In Memoriam - Alex Smith
December 20, 1973 - August 31, 2005
On August 31 Regent student and alumnus Alex Smith died. Alex and his wife Sharon came to Regent from South Africa in 2001. Alex graduated with an MDiv in 2002 and Sharon with an MCS in 2004. Alex subsequently began ThM studies in New Testament and continued to pursue his love for the business world as a consultant with the Fulcrum Group. Sharon began PhD studies at UBC in Rehabilitation. (Read their recent update to Alumni Mosaic here.)
Over the past few years Alex struggled deeply with depression. He seemed to be getting better but this summer experienced a serious relapse and entered into a deep dark depression. He was hospitalized for a few weeks but had been released. Even those who knew him well did not realize how very ill Alex was. On Wednesday afternoon, August 31st Alex took his own life.
Alex was dearly loved and he loved dearly. He and Sharon were high school sweethearts and had been married for nine years. He had many devoted friends and family. For the past year or so, he and Sharon lived in a community house with other Regent folk and friends from their church. Alex was a leader, an excellent student, thoughtful, gracious and attentive to people. He engaged people and their lives.
His death leaves us confused, hurt and disturbed. It makes no sense to use. Yet we hang on to truth — nothing can separate us from the love of God — nothing, no one, not even ourselves. Nothing.
A memorial service for Alex was held on Sunday, September 4th at Tenth Avenue Alliance church here in Vancouver. Sharon returned to South Africa with Alex's ashes in the week that followed. A passage was read at the memorial from Romans 8. The JB Phillips paraphrase of this passage seems particularly poignant.
"I have become absolutely convinced that neither death nor life, neither messenger of Heaven nor monarch of earth, neither what happens today nor what may happen tomorrow, neither a power from on high nor a power from below, nor anything else in God's whole world has any power to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
As you can appreciate, Sharon has significant financial need, not only for the flight to South African and funeral expenses, but also for living expenses when she returns. If you would like to help out please contact alumnus Linda Gotts (MCS'01) for information about the fund for Sharon Smith at LindaGotts@uniserve.com.
Lynne Smith
International Student Co-ordinator
Regent College
Alex's memorial service at Regent is available on streaming audio. To listen, choose one of these options:
18 MB mp3 (for slower connections)
35 MB mp3 (for high-speed connections)
Tribute to my husband: Alex Smith
by Sharon Smith
Read aloud at the Memorial Service on Sunday, September 4, 2005 by Linda Gotts (nee Tracey; MCS'01) and Tracy Imbach (nee Denny; MCS'02)
Speaker 1
I must confess today is not a day that I ever thought I would experience. Yet considering Alex's turmoil over the past two months it is not a complete surprise. I have watched my dear husband fight a depression so dark that no amount of sunlight could break through. The last few months are not a true reflection of the Alex I love, treasure and share with you in the words that follow. It is not my intention nor is it possible to capture in this tribute the fullness of the life Alex lived and shared with me. As I have pondered and conversed with my surrounding community several themes have risen out of the mist of my tears.
Speaker 2
Alex and I shared a deep love.
We were high school sweethearts and have been together (dating, engaged and married) for fourteen years. He was a delight to get to know. I would often look at this handsome man and wonder why he was holding my hand. Our physical, emotional and spiritual friendship was so deep that at times the boundary between us was blurred. Alex facilitated so much of this intimacy. He planned and arranged all the details of our honeymoon on the Garden Route in South Africa. We walked into our first honeymoon suite and there, all perfectly set up (as per Alex's instructions), was a fresh hot communion bread and grape juice symbolizing our covenant with Christ. And with it a card, expressing love and the significance of the moment.
I have collected many written words of love from Alex over our nine years of marriage. The most recent one was written in his journal and read aloud to me on Sunday the 21st August. It reads:
Sharry
I love you so much, you are my best friend, a companion for life. I do not have the words to thank you for all you have given me over these last few weeks - the selfless foregoing of your studies to step in the gap; the words spoken and walks taken to breathe life back into my hopeless mind; the crying with me; the forcing me out of bed; the taking on of my chores when I have had no energy to do anything. I could not have asked God for a better wife.
You remain my treasure and my joy.
I love you for life.
Al
Speaker 1
Such deep love was born out of deep pain. Alex took all that life had to offer and more, he loved taking risks, a challenge for any wife trying to deal with her own control issues! I have nearly lost Alex on many occasions — car accidents, armed robberies, near heart attacks and his battle against depression. A year after we came to Canada to study at Regent college, Alex experienced his first black depression. Listen to the words of his poem:
Black
It comes regularly,
this lurking demon of despair.
Clawing, clutching, crushing
it tears at the fibres of my soul.
It accuses me; points its scraggly finger
breathing whisperous lies:
You're not capable enough,
You have not heard the voice of God,
but your own imagination.
I slide into Depression;
its cold chambers echo and amplify the fears that lie malignant inside of me.
I have been in this empty place many times before.
I have no hope:
how ill fit I am
to the vocation that I have been so long preparing myself for!
Insecure: my memory constantly fails me,
and my speech falters - I have nothing to say: nothing that is worthwhile
I have so long enjoyed student hood,
But my capability of teaching is naught.
I am miserable,
my life joy is snuffed out.
I want to escape,
yet I see no way out.
Lord, have mercy on me
a sinner, a beggarly and hopeless man.
I remember kneeling with him crying, praying, hanging on to life for him as he lost his grip on reality. But as with seasons in the year: the winter of 2002 gave way to spring, we were blessed with a new season together of warmth, color, fragrance, and the gift of immeasurable joy.
Speaker 2
Alex gave me so many gifts during our years together.
He was such an empowering man. He constantly encouraged me to be all that I was. He tapped into my latent giftings and fanned them into flame. He helped me find my voice and express it through writing and public speaking. He showed me the importance of my passions and armed me to fight for what I believed to be true and just in our broken often-merciless world.
Alex embodied mercy. He never lost a moment to engage with people. Running errands with him would take double the time. He would listen to the stories of the baker, the pharmacist, the Safeway teller and our doctor's receptionist, the list goes on. He taught me to take individual's narratives seriously - to respect the depth and complexity of each person.
Alex's self-sacrificing was a dominant theme in our marriage, he had no hesitation in working full-time so that I could work on a PhD; laundry would be washed and neatly folded on the bed even when it was my turn.
In the grip of the delusion that was part of his depression, Alex somehow convinced himself that this choice he made would make things better for me. And as much as I wish he had chosen differently. I can still trace in his final act the gracious. Loving and self-sacrificial husband I will always treasure.
Speaker 1
Alex loved JR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and I learned to love it through him. You will remember a dark moment in the third film The Return of the King, when Gondor is under Seige. Pippin says: "I didn't think it would end this way". I want to leave you with Gandalf's reply:
"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is another path, one that we all must take. The gray curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it!"
